Come as you are...

The Bible says
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, 
and I will give you rest." 
Matthew 11:28

I have probably needed to lean on this verse a lot over the past few months. It has been an interesting year to say the least. For those of you who did not already know, Kelly and I have been trying to have a biological child for 4 years now. We knew God was going to make our family grow in number through adoption, but wanted to try and have at least one together. After consummating our adoption of Kiir, we started trying with a little more effort. This led us to a fertility specialist. After many tests, we found out that I have a genetic defect that can cause miscarriages at any point in a pregnancy, along with serious heart problems, that I don't have a lot of eggs left and will undergo menopause in less than a handful of years; and lastly that the chance of ever getting pregnant in the short time I still have is virtually impossible. 

When we left the doctors office, I was in a state of shock that quickly turned into mourning for what I will never be able to experience. It was so hard to lean on anyone's shoulder when it seemed like almost all of my friends either just had a baby, were pregnant, or trying to conceive. I also go to what seems like a very fertile church and is reminded of that often. Satan sure does find ways to get under your skin!

I meditated a lot on scripture...

"Do not be anxious about anything, 
but in everything by prayer and supplication 
with thanksgiving let your requests
 be made known to God."
Philippians 4:6

...and it helped to remind me that God is in control and wanted to draw me even closer to Him! We really just wanted direction in what The Lord wanted us to do. I felt so torn as to whether we should try a different medical procedure or just give up. After many days of praying, I felt God directing me to give it all up to Him and move on toward adoption. There are moments in my life where I truly feel like the hand of God is on me and that was one of those moments! The micro-second I spoke aloud my submission to His will, I felt an intense pressure lifted off of my body and goosebumps all over. I knew instantly we were to start the process of adoption again. 

As we began looking into the different avenues (foster, foster to adopt, matched adoption, private adoption, international adoption, etc.) I started feeling like I really needed to have a baby in my arms. We could go with the foster-to-adopt route, but then 2 years down the road a judge could order that child to a distant relative and frankly, I'm not okay with that! Then we fell in love with the country of Columbia and longed to adopt a child from there, but the more we researched, we found out that we would have to be willing to take home a child that was between 6 - 24 months and we would not be able to choose the age. I knew at that moment that we had to do private adoption if I ever wanted to hold a baby only a few days old in my arms that I would call my own. 

For some reason I felt incredibly guilty for wanting to do that. I mean, it's a LOT of money to be selfish in what I want! It was a struggle for me to be okay with that. But honestly, this is the only time I will ever be able to fulfill that longing and we can adopt tons more kids after this through many avenues of various ages! Also, God put this baby in my heart and I know He and He alone will help us find the money to bring a baby home!

So, after researching many agencies, we chose to go with Gladney's ABC adoption program. We applied and were accepted! We just finished orientation, turned in all of our paperwork (in record time I might add) and are ready for our home study. For those that don't know, a home study is an official interview with a social worker to make sure you are fit parents.

I am beyond ecstatic, and then it hit me all of the work we have to do quickly, but yet it could take a year or more before we get a baby! This is a birth mother matching program so we could be picked right before the baby is born and have 1 week's notice to prepare OR it could be over a year and nothing. There are so many emotions involved, but they have extreme highs and extreme lows. I don't know how anyone could go through this process and not need to lean on our Lord and Savior! 

For now, I am just meditating on Isaiah 12:2

“Behold, God is my salvation; 
I will trust, and will not be afraid; 

for the Lord God is my strength and my song, 
and he has become my salvation.” 

And Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and 
He will give you the desires of your heart." 

And many more promises from God and praises to Him!

Tomorrow will come and with it, new experiences. The Lord does have great plans for my family! I cannot wait to see what they entail! For now, we will wait patiently for the future only He can see.