Pieces of my Heart

Have you ever visited somewhere and when you come back you can't stop thinking about it? And I don't mean when you take a vacation with your spouse to a quiet beach and long to be back there after returning to the chaos of everyday life. 

I'm talking about a longing to visit a place that touched your heart so much you want to go back. To see the people you met again. To see God's creation. To be away from all of the chaos a first world life holds so you can soak in God's presence. To hold hands and live life with people that do not know about the saving power grace holds.

That kind of love sticks with me as I left pieces of my heart back in Asia.

We knew God was calling us to go on this trip as a family. To bring both of our boys along side us. To share our family with them.

What we didn't know what the impact it would make.

We were told by others that on previous trips, they were greeted with scowls. With hard hearts. With disgust.

They hated us. And there are some reasons they rightfully can. And others that aren't built on truth. But regardless, we are the enemy. Isn't that always what Satan does? He builds walls through hate, anger, distrust, lies, and more lies.

But what he does not have power over is love.

Christ died as the ultimate love sacrifice.

We show our love for God by our love for others.

And there is no greater love than that of a child!

Look at these pictures.

These are the pictures of love.

What children can do through a smile is knock down walls in an instant that have been built up by the deceiver for years.

 

 

When we arrived, a dear friend of ours told me that people would physically take our youngest son out of my arms, but they wouldn't steal him. (How comforting!) They would just be drawn to him and desire to hold him.

And boy was he right.

Young and old alike wanted to hold him.

They wanted to make him smile, laugh, and giggle.

And because of the extrovert that he is, he gladly went.

Without hesitation he hugged them.

Kissed their cheek.

Loved on them.

And in turn, we had the privilege of witnessing the beauty of raw humanity through love.

They hugged him back.

They kissed him.

They loved on him.

We were no longer separated as them and us,

we were one in love.

When we visited a local village to see a historical fisherman's house, we passed by a neighborhood. As we walked by, people gathered just to watch us. I was able to take a quick photo. I love how they were peaking over the fence and I wished so much that we could go join them. That the walls were not separating us any longer. 

Maybe one day...

One of our guides especially fell in love with him.

She doted on him and would mimic his phrases, especially "mama! mama! mama!" And he loved on her as well. He even taught her how to do the "secret" handshake his big brother does with him. I love the last picture of them in the middle of that, giving each other a fist pump.

My favorite moment, however, was walking through the open market.

Pictures are not allowed here so I can only give my description to you.

There are rows and rows of merchants selling anything and everything. Our family of four was close together towards the end of our time walking through it. We had been inside the building and just walked outside to head back to the front. All of a sudden, one of the college students with us told me to stop and look up.

The rows were at least 8 deep and as long as you could see wide. A crowd had started to gather. Mouths were gaping wide at us and smiles were emerging. They all started waving and smiling. 

Lex waved back and with that action laughter and glee erupted.

That day changed me.

In an instant I saw the power of a child's smile.

I wished we could shake hands, and love on each and every one of them.

I wish I could speak with them and learn more about them.

But we had to keep moving.

That day, part of my heart stayed behind in that market.

And hopefully one day I will visit again.

Of course, who couldn't resist getting a hello from this cutie?

I am so glad we took our boys with us.

Was it hard?

Ummmmm, YES

for oh so many reasons!

But it was worth every penny raised, tears shed, restlessness, fear, uncomfortableness, and more because had we not taken them, we would never had experienced what God did that week.

And that made it worth all of it!

On a side note - 

Lex learned how to say hello in Korean when they were saying hello to him. As soon as we stepped in the market, he said hello back to a merchant. As she shrilled with glee, she handed him a piece of candy. Then 3 more did the same. He started saying hello to everyone we stepped in front of and all of them gave him something! It was like we were trick or treating in the market. I couldn't stop laughing! We had a bag full of treats by the time we left and he had learned that saying this word would get him stuff. They eat a lot of tomatoes for dessert so he had a few of them in the bag. Unfortunately, he HATES tomatoes. So when he would take a bite of one (before I could get it in the bag so we could wash it) he would spit it back out. Luckily they didn't take offense and just laughed about it.

And in case you were wondering, here is a picture of our team while we were there. Isn't the background majestic? It is definitely one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited in my lifetime.

I'll save my next post to focus on how they reacted to Kiir.

It is definitely its own post in the making!

To be continued in the very near future...

Deep Beauty

It's so hard to put our trip into words.

The things we saw

The people we met

The country in general...

I'm still sorting through the 4,639 pictures I took on this trip.

And that doesn't count the 50+ that were deleted before we could leave customs.

Some of those were my favorites.

Sorry I can't share them with you.

But I'll leave you with this picture of the sun setting across the ocean.

The sun and ocean that God made.

The ocean that travels throughout the entire world,

linking us to them

and the sun that we all share.

Words and pictures will come soon, I promise.

For now, hopefully you can see the beauty I saw last week.

A beauty that runs eternally deep.

Beautiful Day for a Trip Around the Globe

Isn't it beautiful?

God's creation always is.

In just a few days we will step foot on this soil.

We will get to see this beauty first hand.

We will get to meet the people that live here...

The people that God created.

And we will get to love them.

Please pray for us.

Pray for our team members by name:

Anthony B

Arianne

Cameron

Estefane

Maison

Taylor

Anthony I

Zachary

Johnny

Kelly

Shellie

Kiir

Lex

Pray for...

Safety

Peace

Team Unity

Opportunities

That we would be an encouragement

And for us to knock down walls the enemy has built up

Pray for the couples going that their marriage would honor God.

Pray for Kelly and I as we parent our children in front of them under a microscope.

Pray for our family left behind that they would feel peace while we are away.

Pray against any harm that is intended for us, such as nightmares or travel glitches.

Pray that we would show grace - in every single situation.

Pray that we would rest in Him and trust Him for ALL things.

Pray that they would notice a difference in how we live and how we love.

Pray that the Spirit would work through us and we would be willing to let Him move!

Please pray Ephesians 4:1-6 over us...

"Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

and Isaiah 43:1-5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

and Psalm 4:6

"Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord."

We love you.

See you in 10 days...

21 and 21

For this entire month, I have had a 21 year old and a 21 month old.

I joked about it all month, but then it hit me...

This is fun and all, but I hope I don't have a 21 year old and 21 month old at the same time again! If that happened, we would have another teenager and a newborn baby at the same time. And y'all, that's not for the faint of heart! 

Babies go to bed early.

Teenagers stay up late.

Babies wake up in the middle of the night.

And the sun rises way too early!

But seriously, I wouldn't change a thing about any of it!

Having a 21 year old means you get to joke around and they actually get your humor (most of the time). They roll their eyes when you try and act cool or be funny. They try eating most things because it's adventurous. They can dress themselves! They still depend on you for things (because you make more money than they do) and so you get a great excuse to hang out with them - BUT they don't need you every single second of every single day.

Having a 21 month old means I hear "mama - holds yous" while getting hit on the legs or my pants pulled down because attention is needed ASAP all of the time. A 21 month old will try a lot of food I put in front of him, but spits a lot out as well. (We're working on this). But they also want your attention and demand you give it to them because you are their world! They want to do everything with you by their side because they love you so stinking much! Hugs, snuggles, kisses, reading, more snuggles, singing, playing and more. It's a fun age of soaking up everything and repeating everything they hear. They are sponges, adventure seekers, and little mini-me's.

But both of these put under 1 roof and it makes for an interesting life. 

When I was 21, my goal was to be married for a few years and have 3 kids by 32 and be in the process of adopting another couple.

Funny thing is, no matter how off track my life is from "my" plan, God's actually given me quite a bit from what I asked to begin with! And in all honesty, we could have 4 kids in the very near future (or heaven help us - 5!!!)

I promise I'm not crazy.

Promise.

Well, at least I don't think I've gone crazy yet.

We'll see what the next few months holds for me.

So I'm savoring being the mom of a 21 year old and a 21 month old.

Because it's what GOD planned for my life.

And it's just a little great.

He gave me the story of salvation wrapped up in my life story.

I was broken, needed a Savior, and He stepped in and radically changed my heart.

You see, I get to explain this story all of the time to perfectly good strangers.

When I take my older son out to eat and the waitress brings him the check because they think we're on a date. Yes, this has happened more times then I'd like to count. But then I get to graciously take the bill and explain that he's my son. (I tend to give a moment of hang time just to see their reaction - hope that's not too mean!) And then I have the opportunity to explain that we adopted this amazing man when he was a teenager because God told us to. And we are eternally blessed by him becoming a Carson!

Sometimes they walk off, a little stunned, and sometimes they ask questions. Other times I get a "you're crazy" look. It's okay, I understand.

I really love when we're all four together and they can't figure out who is who in the family. Just cracks me up watching people analyze us.

And now we're about to take our crazy looking family across the world to get stared at more and questioned more. 

It's why we're going. 

It's what we're counting on! 

They will be so bewildered by us they will ask our story.

And then we get to share!

Because of God's grace we get to share!

So please pray for opportunities.

Pray for patience as a parent.

Pray for protection over my family.

Pray that we will listen to the Holy Spirit guiding us when to talk and when to be silent.

And pray that we will knock down doors through the story God has given us for the gospel to be spread!

Family on Mission - Part 5 - It's Official!

As of this week, we are fully funded for our family to go on this trip!!!

I was so grateful to get that text message. But secretly, I was not shocked. About 2 months ago, I went into full panic that we would have to come up with the money ourselves and I had no idea where that would come from. Kelly and I prayed about it and felt such peace that the Lord would provide every last dime. So when I was told that we had some donations come in and we are not only fully funded but had a little extra to cover our meals we thought we would have to pay out of pocket for, I hate to say it, but as excited as I was, deep down in my heart I knew the Lord would provide. He always has and He always will!

I am so thankful for those that were obedient to the Spirit and gave towards this trip. I pray that you are extraordinarily blessed! I am grateful to walk this narrow path with you all. We love you!

- - -

So now it's really official...

We leave in exactly one week

Only seven days from today

This is really happening!

Next Friday we will board a plane to East Asia and will return 10 days later.

Look at this picture!

Isn't it beautiful!

It was taken by a team member last year on the trip.

I can't stop looking at it.

I'm mesmerized by sunrises and sunsets.

But as I look upon this picture, a particular verse keeps playing over and over in my head:

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." 

- Matthew 5:14-16

This is our prayer for the trip.

To let our light shine before the people we meet. That they would see how we love God first, and love others second. Really love others. With the same passion that we love God. Radically life changing kind of love! And that kind of love makes us live our lives in a completely different way. A way that is foreign for them to understand.

We love them enough to come meet them.

We love them enough to (really) listen to them about their families 

and stories about their childhood and life.

We love them enough to share our most precious assets - our own children with them!

We love them because we share the same Creator! He loved us enough to create us. We must love Him enough to share with those that do not know.

One thing that keeps playing in my head is that I could have been born there. I don't know why God made me a white girl with believing parents in a good family with a great marriage and fabulous children living in a place where I have little fear and lots of privilege. 

Why was I not born there?

Why do I not suffer daily as they do?

Why them and not me?

But if I was, I would be desperate for someone to help me in my hopelessness. I would hope that someone would love me enough to show me God's love!

"Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD."

-Psalm 4:6

"I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth."

-Acts 13:47

May we be a light.

- - -

So what can you do now?

PRAY!

Please pray for our team.

Safety

Unity

Jetlag

Peace

Opportunities

That we would be slow to speak and quick to listen.

That we would open doors for others to walk through after we leave.

Pray for the three couples going, that we would show Christ's servant love through our marriages.

Pray for Kelly and I to love our kids as Christ loved the world, selflessly.

Pray for all of us that our actions, words, and how we love them and each other leave so many questions when we leave that can only be explained through Christ's love.

Pray against any evil plans.

Specifically, please pray against nightmares, mental infiltrations, and fear.

That the Lord and His army of angels would protect us and keep us safe.

But most importantly,

please pray that we would boldly and courageously LOVE them as Christ loves us.

We love you and can't wait to share what our Father did and is doing when we return!

Family on Mission - Part 4

Most of the time on this blog you hear from me. 

A couple of posts ago you got to hear from Kelly.

Here are the posts in case you didn't get a chance to read them.

Family on Mission - Part 1

Family on Mission - Part 2

Family on Mission - Part 3

But now I'd like to let you hear from our 21 year old son.

Meet Kiir.

Soccer fanatic, Ethiopian by culture, Sudanese by blood, and a Carson through adoption. We met our son when he was a 17 year old senior in high school, and will celebrate his 4th "Gotcha Day" the week we return from our trip. He is the quietest loud person I've ever met. If you know him, you understand what I mean. I love when he gets in a talkative mood and will teach me something about Ethiopia or cooking. I could listen to him talk about Africa for hours! 

When we told him we were going on this trip and wanted to bring him along he looked at us like we were crazy. He response was actually "I mean, I want to travel and go out of the country but could we go somewhere else? I mean ANYWHERE else?"

Sorry son, this is the trip we are raising money for.

Take it or leave it.

He said yes.

Writing is his least favorite thing to do in the world, so the following is an interview between us and him to give you a little perspective.

Q-You had to accomplish a lot in order to get your US citizenship in time for this trip. What was that process like?

A-Stressful work just to get a passport so I can leave the country!

Q-Why do you want to go on this trip?

A-Because it's a family trip and you guys (my parents) are helping pay for it. And it's kind of an adventure - something that is good to do and can hopefully help others that go after us. I don't know. It's a different kind of trip. We can't do a whole lot of things but just be ourselves in front of them I guess.

Q-What are you most excited about?

A-Leaving the country. Going to an Asian country I've never been to.

Q-What are you most nervous about?

A-Safety. And being the only black person quite possibly visiting that country. I don't like being different.

Q-Who would you rather sit next to on this LONG overseas flight: mom, dad, or little brother?

A-None of the above. I'll trade tickets with someone else!

Really? You don't want to spend time juggling him around like this??? :)

Q-Do you think this trip is important?

A-Yes. Because we will be helping change the views of stereotypes and building trust. The hard thing is we can't do a lot when we're there. It's weird. But I guess we can help work on relationships with people that hate us.

Q-Any other comments or thoughts?

A-Yes. Next time can we go somewhere like Thailand to a nice, warm beach?

The conversation above is just a snippet of what we talked about. It was interesting watching him think. Hearing broken thoughts roll off his tongue as thoughts became words. This isn't the dream family vacation most kids would love to go on. He still isn't excited. But he's curious. He knows the need for us to go. And what he doesn't understand is that people will be drawn to him, adoring his skin and quiet nature, his smile and how he relates to and plays with his brother. 

This trip will have more impact from Kiir going than possibly any other person on our team.

Please join us in praying for Kiir.

Pray that he has peace.

Psalm 16:1

Pray for him to connect with one of our tour guides.

 Ephesians 6:19 

Deuteronomy 10:19

Pray that others see his amazing personality and his unique love for his brother.

Psalm 19:14

Pray that others are curious about adoption and ask more questions about it.

Romans 8:23

Pray for the concrete doors that in the past have been impenetrable, fall down and allow for hearts to change.

Hebrews 11:30

Ephesians 3:20

We are still not fully funded for this trip we leave on exactly 4 weeks from today.

If you would like to partner with us, you can do so in 1 (or more) of 3 ways:

FIRST...
You can pray for our family and our team. We are a small team of 13 traveling to this undisclosed location. We would greatly appreciate your prayers!

SECOND... 
You can purchase a t-shirt and the proceeds will go towards our team traveling funds.

If you would like to pre-order a shirt, please let us know ASAP!
Here is a picture in case you wanted to know what it will look like.

HERE is more info on the T-Shirt

 

THIRD...
You can give financially! Flying a family of 4 across an ocean is not a cheap endeavor. While we set aside money we have saved, it doesn't cover all of it by any means. If you would like to help us fund the rest of this trip, you can send a check, donate through PayPal (HERE) or through our church online. Here is the info on how to pay through the church website:

1. Go to: http://firstirving.org/give
2. Create an account (or login if you have one)
3. Under "give to" scroll down and find "Korea 2014"
4. Then pick one of our names in the next box.
5. Put how much you want to give and method of payment.

If we raise more money than we need for our family, the rest will go toward helping fund others going on the trip, along with gifts we will take to the people we will be visiting. 

Stay tuned for Part 5 (the final segment) to come soon!

Dear Fellow Struggling Parents...

Today started out like most days.

Lex woke up talking to himself in his crib. After getting him out, he ran into the kitchen and demanded some milk and food because he was starving! After opening the fridge door, I heard a loud "NOOOOO!" because he wanted his pumpkin granola cereal for breakfast instead (never mind I was getting milk out for his sippy cup). After feeding the child what he wanted for breakfast, he gets down from the table and runs to find a book. I hear from the other room "MAMMMMMMAAA! BOOOOOOK!" to which I have to turn around because recently this is followed by the book being thrown at me. After going through 4 "redos" on how to hand mama a book and asking to be read to instead of demanding it, he finally asks nicely and we read the book 3.5 times. Then when I start to undress him so we can change his diaper, he goes full-on meltdown because diapers are the worst thing ever and even though his current diaper is so full that there are drops of liquid running down his leg, that is better than laying down to get a new diaper on. After a lot of yelling, tears, kicking and shoving, the diaper finally makes it on the child. But now comes the dressing and picking out shoes he wants to wear. He is the most opinionated 21 month old when it comes to picking out clothes and shoes. Especially the shoes!

These were the first 45 minutes of my day.

(Time to reheat my coffee again)

I am the mom of a toddler and half of the time I feel like I am run over by a semi by 9am. And I only have one of them this age thus far!

Today we went to the library. Driving into the parking garage I see a toddler running down the middle of the entrance with a mom frantically chasing her child. Walking in, there is a mom behind us with 2 children, one trying to sleep and the other screaming because they don't want to be in the stroller because, you know, strollers are the worst thing ever! When we enter the story time room, there is another child arguing over which carpet square she wants (and not letting others get one) while her mom is trying to convince her to just choose one and sit down. As story time begins, another mom keeps apologizing because her daughter keeps hitting my leg. A friend of mine keeps trying to talk her daughter into finding a place to sit since she keeps moving around. I see a dad leaving with their child 5 minutes after arriving because they want to hold the book the librarian is reading and can't. Towards the end, my son gets mad because I taped the stick onto his mask instead of letting him. He continues to rip the stick out and throw it across the room. As we leave and check out the 9 books he picked out, he realizes that the book he returned that he has grown to love more than life itself is not going home with us. I stop him as he runs toward the box that took his book and he flings his body to the ground, screaming, crying, and such because life as he knows it has ended.

Throughout this morning, I heard numerous parents apologizing for how their children were acting - as if it is our fault as parents that our children are misbehaving. Or trying to come up with excuses because there HAS to be a reason right? Truth is, we are all in this together. We all feel the pain of this tiny person that we love so much acting like they are hoodlums in a split second. Please don't be embarrassed by their behavior. Don't think you shouldn't take them to places like the library, Target, and even your front yard because of it. We understand each other and this trying time of raising children that can be sweet and gentle and act demon possessed in the blink of an eye. 

We are not judging you and hope the feeling is mutual.

As we drove out of the parking lot, I saw a dad carrying the handful of books he checked out for his son in his arms (because he too, like me, forgot to bring his reusable bag to place them in, but unlike me does not have a purse to shove them inside as an alternative option) and is trying to convince his son to walk holding his hand. Instead, his son is sprawled out on the sidewalk, kicking and screaming because he wants his daddy to carry him, not caring that he might hurt himself on the concrete.

Bless that daddy. You are brave. You care. It shows.

And I hope you got home okay with all books (and child's body parts) intact!

When I see your child screaming in the grocery store or throwing a tantrum as you try and get them in the car or throwing an object at you because they are not getting what they want - please know I am sending a look of "I feel your pain, know what you're going through, and hope tomorrow is better" your way. 

Parenting is hard!

There is no room or time in our day to apologize for everything our children do
NOR is there a place to judge each other.

So fellow parents out there, bless you for not giving up. For keeping at it, each and every day to try and mold that character even when it seems unmoldable. For not throwing in the towel when you have tried every book's, friend's, doctor's, and Pinterest's advice without finding success. I have been told that one day you will look back at some of these moments and laugh, and even miss them sometimes. 

And as a mom of a tweenager (my name for a teenager - early twenties) as well, I can tell you they don't want to spend every single moment with you anymore. You have to beg for that time, and even when they agree on giving you a smidgen of it, you still have to send text reminders! Or even bribe them sometimes! 

Moral(s) of the story:

You are a good parent.

Tomorrow is another day.

You will survive and so will they.

Take joy in the small successes. They make parenting worth it!

And when you've had all you can take, send them to a friend or grandparent's house, take a nice looooong hot shower, and go out for a night of peace and quiet. We all need our sanity restored every once in a while!