Monday, September 05, 2016

Emotions Overflowing, Ending in Love

Emotions are an essential part of being a female. I truly believe we were gifted with such an assortment to make up for our counterpart. Most of the time we feel ours and some. And when those emotions bubble over or dig holes, it is just part of who we are.

Sometimes emotions are hard to explain or put into words. Remember those teen years when tears would come over something trivial or you did not even know why? Women feel deeply, and it is part of what makes us amazing! We were designed to be this way.

The hard part is when people do not understand our emotions, or when we don't understand them ourselves and therefore cannot verbalize them to the best of our ability and they cause conflict.

Such has been the last 9 months for me.
Or should I say the last few years.
But for this post I'll stick to the last 9 months.

We tired to have children for YEARS.
God said no. He closed doors and opened others.
We adopted 4 beautiful children and had come to a place of contentment, albeit craziness, but still good with where our family was and not thinking about changes anytime soon.

Apparently that was the time for me to successfully get pregnant.
We never tried fertility treatments because we were told it wouldn't work. There was a 1 in a million chance I could get pregnant, and the odds were very high that I would miscarry a child (I had 3 miscarriages last year) and there was a higher chance because of my condition that I could deliver a stillbirth.

Yet in January, when we found out I was pregnant, we somehow just knew instantly that this baby was going to make it into our arms. This baby was going to complete our family. A pure gift!

So why wasn't I bubbling over with excitement?
I used to get excited over little things, let alone big things. For some reason, all of the hard things of life (infertility, adoption, trauma, fear, grief, etc.) had seemed to harden part of my heart. I wasn't letting myself get excited. I wasn't letting myself experience everything. I found myself very guarded and unable to let that guard down. It was a struggle to even think about what emotions were real and put them into words.

Part of me was guarded over my friends emotions. I had come to know so many others that had experienced infertility and I did not want to hurt them. I did not want to lose them and their friendship over this. 

Another part of me was guarded over my own emotions. What if this baby did not really make it? What if something tragic happened? What if something happened to my health as a result? What if's can eat you alive if you let them!

As the pregnancy progressed and I started telling friends, I honestly was overwhelmed by their love and excitement. I think they were more excited than I was. What I forgot was how they had grieved with me. They had walked this lonely, tearful road and were changed by it as much as I was. So my news was an answer to prayer, a celebration! Friendship can be such a blessing.

Family was of course overjoyed, especially our kids at the thought of yet another brother (did I mention this makes our 5th SON!) 

This entire pregnancy, I've had highs and lows of emotions. They have run rampant over my heart and have quieted my voice. When I experience so many emotions it is extremely hard for me to voice them until they settle. They swirl in my brain until it calms down and I can think again.

Last week they finally did.
I allowed myself to realize my son, my baby is actually coming.
I can rejoice and long to hold him in my arms!
This miracle child should be here sometime tomorrow!

As I reflect upon all the emotions I've had throughout the past nine months, I am so grateful for all of them. They have changed me, for the better. It has deepened my relationship with friends in a way I could never imagine. I feel encouraged to voice them, reflect upon them, and to grow from them. They have reminded me that it makes me into who I am. Always changing, growing, embracing life.

Today I'm checking in to the hospital to have a baby!
I'm quite certain I'm about to unleash a whole new set of emotions that rival the ones from the past 9 plus months/years on the world around me. But the emotion that stands out the most is love.

Love for this child I'm going to birth.
Love for the family around me that have been praying for this child and will get to weep with me when we all get see his beautiful face. Love for friends that have battled emotions over the past few years with me and still stand to rejoice! Love from a husband that has stood beside me as my rock through the mountains and the valleys and will hold my hand and stand beside me in the hours, days, weeks, years and decades to come. Love from a God that granted us this blessing even before we knew what was coming.

Today is a celebration of love, the best emotion of all!

1 comment:

  1. God loves us so much more than we can imagine, but sometimes He gives us such sweet glimpses into His heart to keep us trusting Him. I can see His love shining so brightly through your story, not just the 'happy ending' but the way He brought you through the hard parts, too! Congrats, mama!