Thursday, April 21, 2016

My Story Unfolded

This story begins 13 years, 3 months, and 19 days ago.

Kelly and I went on our first date.
We had been friends for about a year and a half and I had just moved 6 hours away for graduate school. We decided to hang out that New Years and went out on our first date 2 days later. Our first date lasted for 9 hours! He picked me up, took me to meet his family and eat dinner with them. Next we were off to one of those places you can race cars, play arcade games, etc. After having fun just hanging out (as we usually did as friends anyway), he drove me back to my aunt and uncle's house where I was staying for a few days. He pulled into the driveway and we chatted for a little while. Then it was decided that we needed to at least kiss and see if there was more than friendship chemistry so we didn't waste any more time figuring this out.  Following that kiss, it was determined that since this obviously was going to work, we might as well plan our wedding.

No, I'm not kidding.
For the next two hours we planned our wedding date, wedding details, talked about where we would live, and what our family would look like. I told him I wanted 5 kids, all boys (because who wants the drama of girls??? I mean I was a wretched teenager!) and I wanted most of them to be adopted. He said that he only wanted 2 biological children. I gave him notice that God would be working on him.

See when I was 10 years old, I was studying about orphanages and missionaries that worked at them and felt then and there that I would adopt. Or if I never met someone to marry that I would move there and just help work at one. So since I had now met the man to marry, guess I'd be adopting.

(On a side note, at our wedding my dad gave a toast and told Kelly he would be waiting for 5 grandsons to make him a super TALL basketball team! I never told my dad I wanted 5 sons either so Kelly and I died laughing.)

Fast forward 5 years into marriage when we started talking about children. Biological was what we wanted to try for first. Adoption wasn't really being talked about, but we wanted a baby. After trying for over a year, we felt God telling us to adopt. And not just a baby, but a teenage boy. We knew this had to of come from the Lord because #1 it was not the norm and #2 Kelly didn't even want to adopt to begin with! So we proceeded down that path and put aside trying to conceive.
*More of that story HERE*

After we adopted Kiir, we decided to eventually try once more to conceive. After trying again for a year we decided to go seek answers. Specialists came back telling me I had a blood disorder that can cause spontaneous miscarriages, along with very low hormone levels and an extremely low egg count. We had an exceptionally low chance of conception and very high probability of miscarriage even if we did conceive.

So we moved back into adoption mode, this time for an infant so I could have the baby my heart longed for. About 7 months after certification, we brought Lex home.
*More of that story HERE*

When Lex was about 18 months old, we decided to slowly start the process again. We would get certified and this time adopt a sibling group from foster care. Right after our home study, I found out I was pregnant! What in the world??? We didn't think this was possible! So we made an appointment with my doctor for a few days later. I was 7 weeks along. 36 hours before my appointment I started miscarrying. It was one of the most heartbreaking times in my life.

Why would God bless us with this miracle after all we had been through and then not let us keep it? Why after trying to be obedient and honor Him in our lives did we not get the happiness I felt like we deserved. Let's just be honest, I don't grieve well. When I lost my cousin who I considered a sister years earlier it took me over a year and several counseling sessions later to move on. Grief hits me hard and I take a long time to come through it to the other side. However, now I wasn't just taking care of myself. I had a husband, teenager and a toddler to think about. What made it harder was that this time I had to watch other babies around me growing in tummies while reliving the fact that mine died inside of me. Lots of tears were shed after church, play dates, meetings with friends and family. It was hard. But God did some major work on my heart during this grieving time. He showed me that He had grace for my selfish thoughts. He had compassion for my hurt. He had so much more planned for my life that I could not yet see. I just had to trust in Him.

So a few months later, we were officially certified to adopt again and I decided to move on. We were matched with our now adopted boys and proceeded in the process. We brought them home in August the week before school began and life was so busy, crazy, and honestly I could barely breathe enough to think about anything other than feeding everyone. We were deep into survival mode, parenting very traumatized children while trying not to traumatize ourselves in the process.
*More of that story HERE*

Nevertheless, during this time I had two more miscarriages, very early on, and finally decided to at least find out what was going on with my body. Something strange was happening and even if we didn't have a baby (which was the LAST thought on my mind right now), I wanted some answers.

As I sat in the fertility clinic (yet again) and looked around, I could see that longing for a baby in the eyes of all of the women around me. I honestly did not have the yearning anymore. We had the one baby given to us at birth that I longed for and I just wanted to figure out what was going on inside of me because I felt out of sorts. So after all of the blood work and tests, the results came back in even crazier than anticipated. First of all, the blood disorder I knew I already had from my first round of tests apparently has been disproven to cause miscarriages in the beginning like they thought. It can just cause issues later in pregnancy if untreated properly. Second, I was told that my low egg count was not going to send me into early menopause like I was told 6 years prior. Okay, so now that my mind was spinning, I was then told I had another blood disorder that was more serious and can actually cause issues such as blood clots, strokes, etc. I had not had those issues yet, but it can cause miscarriages if not treated properly when you become pregnant. Also, I needed to immediately start taking meds to thin out my blood for the rest of my life. Great. That was lovely news. I was feeling fantastic at this point.

So I left this specialist with instructions to find a new doctor that saw high risk patients. I promptly made an appointment with the new doctor I found for a week later. He sat with me for over an hour answering all of my blood disorder and miscarriage questions, and looked over all of my test results.

Then he said something that stopped me dead in my tracks. My hormone level was not super low due to my egg count anymore. In fact, my hormone level had gone back up to that of an average woman for my age. What??? How is that possible? He even agreed it was strange, but then kind of jokingly said "Well, God moves mountains."

Um excuse me? What do you mean by that?
I left feeling better about my condition and puzzled by what my body was doing. I was supposed to go back in a month later to get some more blood work done to recheck my levels. But 3 weeks after that appointment, we conceived. When I walked back into the doctor's office, he just laughed and said "Well, that was fast!" and promptly started me on some medication to help prevent a miscarriage. He told me not to worry about anything, that he had high hopes for this one, and I would need to come in weekly for blood tests to see how everything was progressing until I hit 10 weeks.

I prayed and prayed for this baby. I started praying when I was 25 and wanted this child. And now I was praying even more that I would finally not meet the heartache I had come accustom to. I prayed that this baby would be the one that stuck!

It wasn't like we really needed a 5th child! We had our hands full and with the most recent adoption, I actually was at the highest stress level I had ever been at in my life. Every minute of the day was hard, draining, and I couldn't even envision adding another to the mix. But for some reason, I felt like God was whispering in my ear that this was the one, the answer to my prayers long ago that I had given up on. This one was going to make it and it was the final Carson kid for us. Kelly had the exact same feeling and we joked often about it. Did we feel more dread at the thought of another child or happy that our prayers from years ago were answered. It was a combination for sure!

We had been trying for over 7 years and now was God's perfect timing. We didn't understand it, but we fully embraced it. It could have only been God's plan for this to work out the way it did.

Now as we prepare for the 7th Carson member of our family, God reminds me daily that He had a plan all along for our life. I think I was a pretty stupid 19 year old when I told Kelly I wanted 5 sons, mostly adopted. But apparently God is in the business of answering prayers in His way and His perfect timing. It is almost laughable how He gave me exactly what I asked for many years ago.

Lord willing, in late August/early September we will meet this precious baby boy. The one to complete our family. And I can relish in the testimony He has given me as a mother to many stinky, dirty, gross, handsome, smart, tall, crazy and amazing sons. Maybe one day I'll get some daughter-in-laws I can go do girly stuff with, or better yet, granddaughters! Until then, I'll bask in the rich blessings the Lord has granted me. They are indeed too numerous to count!


  1. Do you have the book "On the Night You Were Born"? It's amazing.

    1. Yes! We love that book! Started reading it to Lex as a baby and all my littles love it. :)

  2. This is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing what He's been doing in your lives, and thank you for giving me renewed hope about my own dreams. Tears were falling as I read this and heard again of His sweet sweet love for us.