Making a Mama

8 years ago today I became a mama. I feel like I’ve told this story now hundreds of times. Like any mom, the day is very clear. I can remember most of it because I savored every moment. From the time we met him to the time he got to come home. I have told it over and over to anyone that would listen because every mom remembers all of that just like it was yesterday. I cannot believe eight years have passed and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. Almost like he has always been there. 

8 years ago today a 17 year old man child said he wanted to move into our home and become our son. We met him 2 days prior and he found out about us the day before that. He had all the odds against him and yet he had so much faith that a family could be out there for him. What courage that took after living through trauma from civil wars, refugee camps, immigration, the separation from family into foster care and then living in foster care. I don’t know if I would have had such courage. The sheer determination and hope that there still could be a family out there for him speaks of his tenacity at life. His bravery.

8 years ago today we said yes to parenting a teenager. We had no experience, good training but such a small amount considering, and dove head first into the water ready to embrace what came our way. We expected nothing and everything, the good and the bad. Yet it was nothing like we thought it would be. It was so much more than I could have ever imagined. Becoming a parent is like that. Somehow your heart stretches and grows in an instant. When you look at that child in the eyes, you have the ability to become a puddle of tears and a fierce mama bear simultaneously. It is something God creates in us mothers. We are protectors, encouragers, cheerleaders, supporters, weight bearers, mentors and more. Being a mom is a gift and a burden, but one I gladly and desperately wanted to do.

8 years ago a quiet child on the verge of adulthood stepped foot into our house and was gifted a room all to himself and a home to be a child in. He had the chance to safely grow up, however long that took. He chose to be part of a family. My world has never been the same. I have learned so much about love through him. He has taught me what love through tears looks like. I learned more about loving people no matter what they look like, talk like, sound like or act like. I learned that every person is someone else’s child and deserving of immense love. I learned how to laugh really hard and cry at the same time. I learned that being a mom is also being a friend.

8 years ago today my life changed for the better. Not only did I become a mom but I said yes to whatever that meant for that specific moment in time and for the years to come. For all the afternoons we spent pouring over books so he could learn to read. All of the evenings we spent learning history and rules and laws so he could become a citizen. For the many hours I spent (and still spend) on my knees thanking God for this son, praying for God to protect him and for him to trust in God.

8 years later even though he’s 25, my heart still breaks when things go wrong for him and beams when things go right. He’s a grown man to most and still my child at heart. He missed out on so many of the things normal children get to do. He missed out on growing up with grandparents and a strong support system around him, making him naturally rely on himself first. He has callused hands from working tirelessly because he would hate for anyone to have to do something he feels like he should be able to do himself. He has a strong heart because he’s put layers of protective walls around it after falling under tragic circumstances time and time again. Yet he is the first one to try and help the helpless. He recognizes the needy before anyone else even turns a head. He hears the brokenness in a person’s voice or face when others don’t even notice. He gives when he has nothing. He loves even though he has been wronged and scared and bruised repeatedly. He deserves the world even when the world has thrown the worst at him time and time again. 

Photo by: Arianne Ball Photography

8 years later and I am still learning from my first born and adopted son. Today I do not get to spend with him for reasons that are out of both of our control and I still cannot get him off my mind. I wish he were here to help me cook dinner as we try and decide what spices to add because neither of us like plain, ordinary food. I wish he was here to sit beside me on the sofa so we could look at pictures from when he moved in and was all skin and bones. I wish he was here to tell me to remember the fact that he doesn’t like sweets or dessert after dinner and then eat what I made him because he has a tiny sweet tooth every now and then he thinks I don't notice. I wish I could hear him ragging on his brothers for a mess they made or put them in their place when they boast about something in his presence or bring all of them to the ground when they wrestle him or watch him read a book to his brother 23 years younger than him. My 17 year old son now towers above me but still has that quiet and soft spirit, full of love for others around him and hope for the future. I am so glad he chose me to be his mama. Not a day goes by I am not grateful he said yes. Happy Gotcha Day my first born son. You are forever mine and I am forever yours.

The Tainted Red Bullseye

photo credit: @shelliecarson

I remember those places I used to love going. I'd get off work and have an hour before needing to get home or a Saturday with no plans and I would head to the lovely place of red shopping carts, dollar spots, cute clothes, and fun decor. As I entered, I would make sure and stop for some hot caffeine I could drink slowly as I walked about. Slowly enjoying my leisurely walk, browsing and putting things in my cart that I knew I needed for the house or to give as a present to someone or just stuff that looked cute.

I miss those days.

But today I decided I would try and attempt this with my 4 sons in tow. Why shouldn't I enjoy a little leisurely walk with my hot cup in hand? So I picked my kids up from school and told them that they would each get a piece of paper and a pencil. The rules were simple: no running, screaming, hands and feet to yourself. They were making a "Christmas list" to give to family. They got to go window shopping in the toy aisles (while mama walked on the main aisle glancing at cute decorations and clothes.)

Why I thought this would work is beyond me. In the first thirty seconds I should have loaded everyone back into the car and went home. It all started when I told the 7, 6 and 3 year old that the baby was finally asleep and they better not wake them up. After everyone got out of the car we start walking toward the store. One car past ours, the 3 year old yelled with every ounce of loudness expelling from his body "ROAR!!!"

There was of course a bird that needed to be scared (along with everyone in the parking lot.) Why are little boys with birds like dogs chasing squirrels? It doesn't matter where they are or what they are doing, they see one and they lose their minds trying to scare it away.

So here we are, 5 seconds into our venture through the parking lot and the baby was woken up. "But he's smiling mom. So it's okay" says the 3 year old bird scarer. Yes, for now he is smiling.

As we safely enter the store I beeline it for coffee. I am still determined this can be a relaxing trip. The coffee was calming, hot and delicious. Then I look over to see my 6 year old laying across the table and my 3 year old running around in circles and my 7 year old getting on to both of them while laughing. I snapped my fingers and they instantly knew from the look on my face that they better shape up in a hurry. 

We headed to the back of the store, towards the toys. The boys were all getting very excited about 'shopping', even though I continued to remind them we were not leaving with anything today. About that moment when the toys were in sight, the baby smiles turned into a frown. By the time we got there it was full blown loud crying.

So I remind the boys of the rules and let them get to their Christmas list making. I turn my main focus to comforting the newborn. Pacifier, rocking, singing, swaying, pacifier again, back in stroller, walking, back in my arms, and finally he drifts off to the sleep he desperately needs. At that exact moment I take a sip of my coffee and glance around, trying to decide what I can window shop from a distance when the 6 year old runs up shouting in my face "Mom!!!! I found what I want you to buy me today!!!"

Screaming erupts, both from the newborn and from inside of my head. I have the look of 'seriously' written all over my face. I mouth to the child "go write it down.”

A couple of minutes later, my phone alerts me that it is time to go. The 7 year old comes rushing up to me to show me his list. I cannot read a single word of the gibberish. So I asked him what he wrote down. He points to the item number. I had to laugh out loud at that moment. None of the boys had a single item title that I could look up later. Thank goodness for smart phones. I told them to go stand beside their favorite 3 items so I could take a picture.

I patted myself on the back for quick thinking, buckled the baby up, took a long sip of coffee and told the boys we were leaving. As we moseyed toward the front, I decided to make a pit stop to see if there were any Christmas shirts I wanted to get for them. The second I veered off the main path, one kid hit another and said "tag, you're it" while the other ran and tripped over the stroller and fell, waking the baby again of course. Nevermind, no shirts for them. 

We could not get to the car fast enough. And of course the baby was back to screaming with all of his might, deliriously angry. When we got to the doors and one kid had to tie a shoe, I turned around and saw the store in it's entirety. It was like a long lost friend that was passing through town and we waved from a distance. Hoping we could meet over coffee, but alas, it never came to be.

One day, in a few years, maybe I will be able to enjoy this again without children to taint my relaxing experience. But then again I think I'm better off just escaping after they've all gone to bed and all is quiet with most of the world. I would love to push a red cart with ample room to hold my newfound goods instead of a stroller with another hand holding whichever child needs help making good choices at the time. But such is my season of life as a mom. Cheers to all the others walking in the same tired shoes, celebrating the survival of each day.

Emotions Overflowing, Ending in Love

Emotions are an essential part of being a female. I truly believe we were gifted with such an assortment to make up for our counterpart. Most of the time we feel ours and some. And when those emotions bubble over or dig holes, it is just part of who we are.

Sometimes emotions are hard to explain or put into words. Remember those teen years when tears would come over something trivial or you did not even know why? Women feel deeply, and it is part of what makes us amazing! We were designed to be this way.

The hard part is when people do not understand our emotions, or when we don't understand them ourselves and therefore cannot verbalize them to the best of our ability and they cause conflict.

Such has been the last 9 months for me.

Or should I say the last few years.

But for this post I'll stick to the last 9 months.

We tired to have children for YEARS.

God said no. He closed doors and opened others.

We adopted 4 beautiful children and had come to a place of contentment, albeit craziness, but still good with where our family was and not thinking about changes anytime soon.

Apparently that was the time for me to successfully get pregnant.

We never tried fertility treatments because we were told it wouldn't work. There was a 1 in a million chance I could get pregnant, and the odds were very high that I would miscarry a child (I had 3 miscarriages last year) and there was a higher chance because of my condition that I could deliver a stillbirth.

Yet in January, when we found out I was pregnant, we somehow just knew instantly that this baby was going to make it into our arms. This baby was going to complete our family. A pure gift!

So why wasn't I bubbling over with excitement?

I used to get excited over little things, let alone big things. For some reason, all of the hard things of life (infertility, adoption, trauma, fear, grief, etc.) had seemed to harden part of my heart. I wasn't letting myself get excited. I wasn't letting myself experience everything. I found myself very guarded and unable to let that guard down. It was a struggle to even think about what emotions were real and put them into words.

Part of me was guarded over my friends emotions. I had come to know so many others that had experienced infertility and I did not want to hurt them. I did not want to lose them and their friendship over this. 

Another part of me was guarded over my own emotions. What if this baby did not really make it? What if something tragic happened? What if something happened to my health as a result? What if's can eat you alive if you let them!

As the pregnancy progressed and I started telling friends, I honestly was overwhelmed by their love and excitement. I think they were more excited than I was. What I forgot was how they had grieved with me. They had walked this lonely, tearful road and were changed by it as much as I was. So my news was an answer to prayer, a celebration! Friendship can be such a blessing.

Family was of course overjoyed, especially our kids at the thought of yet another brother (did I mention this makes our 5th SON!) 

This entire pregnancy, I've had highs and lows of emotions. They have run rampant over my heart and have quieted my voice. When I experience so many emotions it is extremely hard for me to voice them until they settle. They swirl in my brain until it calms down and I can think again.

Last week they finally did.
I allowed myself to realize my son, my baby is actually coming.
I can rejoice and long to hold him in my arms!

This miracle child should be here sometime tomorrow!

As I reflect upon all the emotions I've had throughout the past nine months, I am so grateful for all of them. They have changed me, for the better. It has deepened my relationship with friends in a way I could never imagine. I feel encouraged to voice them, reflect upon them, and to grow from them. They have reminded me that it makes me into who I am. Always changing, growing, embracing life.

Today I'm checking in to the hospital to have a baby!
I'm quite certain I'm about to unleash a whole new set of emotions that rival the ones from the past 9 plus months/years on the world around me. But the emotion that stands out the most is love.

Love for this child I'm going to birth.
Love for the family around me that have been praying for this child and will get to weep with me when we all get see his beautiful face. Love for friends that have battled emotions over the past few years with me and still stand to rejoice! Love from a husband that has stood beside me as my rock through the mountains and the valleys and will hold my hand and stand beside me in the hours, days, weeks, years and decades to come. Love from a God that granted us this blessing even before we knew what was coming.

Today is a celebration of love, the best emotion of all!

In the Raw

You might not know it with the hat, glasses, make-up and accessories...

But behind the filter,

I feel unnaturally and painfully exposed.

Like layers and layers of flesh are being constantly removed.

Wounds are being reopened, sores resurfacing.

I feel inexperienced, untrained, and completely ignorant.

I'm not prepared, dressed, finished or refined.

I feel stripped, naked down to the soul.

But I'm going to be brutally and grossly frank.

I feel utterly and completely

(in every sense of the word)

RAW.

Parenting in general can do this to you. But becoming instant parents to children that have been to hell and back and suffered more trauma in two years than you probably will experience in a lifetime can send you into a state of shock faster than lightening can strike.

When I signed up to become a parent through adoption, I knew the road wasn't an easy one. I read up, educated myself, found new friends that had traveled this path before, and prayed. Our first rodeo with adoption with a child from foster care was five years ago. Our son came to us as a 17 year old that towered above me, had pants falling off of him because he was so skinny, was super shy and quiet, and still struggling to learn the English language since he came to the states as a refugee with no education or schooling at all in his past. We struggled with language, culture, attachment, dealing with trauma and the effects it had, along with all of the normal 17 year old issues of being a senior in high school like graduating while still learning to read, learning to drive, learning about money and that there is not an unlimited tree it grows from, etc.

Five years later and we are still learning.

All of us.

We have grown. Deepened our understanding of what adoption means. What healing looks like. What a family can be. That forever is a process. And we are only five years into it.

I also learned that God was doing something to my life then. Cutting away at my soul. Making it bleed so He could heal it and mold it as only the perfect surgeon could. Rerouting arteries, stretching muscles, and amputating dead limbs.

He brought me to a state of feeling raw, numb to the outside world.

I felt alone, hurt, and sensitive to the touch.

Nobody understood, except Him.

-  -  -  -  -

So you would think that with our second adoption through foster care that I would know more, be more prepared, armed with more arrows in my bag and an impenetrable shield.

WRONG!

There is nothing more far from the truth.

In fact I have deepened my belief that I am perfectly flawed.

Two weeks ago, our world was beaten, twisted, knocked senseless, and displayed for the world to see in a distorted upside down picture.

Sure we had read all the thousands of papers, reports, talked to specialists, friends that had been down a similar road, and prepared ourselves the best we could. But it didn't matter.

The crap hit the fan the minute we stepped foot out of the car at home exactly two weeks ago and from that day forward, we've been living on a battlefield.

A battle of how to parent 3 children at home 3 drastically different ways.

I don't have a three-way lightbulb in my brain that I can switch from one setting to the next quick enough and this has lead to many melt-downs from both children and parents alike and LOTS of apologies, especially from me to them. I'm still learning, and I don't think I'll be able to stop anytime soon. Probably never.

Battles with severe effects from multiple traumas that leads to PTSD. 

My children might have fared better growing up in a war zone than the heartache they have experienced before coming to live with us. Trauma does wonders on a brain, heart, and soul. Just ask the soldier that just came back from their third tour of duty that have witnessed unspeakable events. And unfortunately, this can be labeled by others as severe ADHD, or can cause tons of sensory issues, or for some kids can turn into violent and angry outbursts, and for others a state of silent depression that can last hours. 

Battles with the opinions of others/my flesh...

I'm not a sacrificial parent that anyone should look up to. I have more flaws than most. My self image suffers when I get looks from strangers in the grocery store because I have a child laying on the floor crying and I have to raise my voice because normal talking doesn't get through the smoke screen in his brain that his trauma puts up in a heighten state. Can people hear the screaming from my kids while walking their dog in front of our house? What do they think about me? Has their opinion changed for the worse? But that's the problem right there. It's not about me! It's about parenting each child the way that will help them grow up to become a child that feels loved and part of our family. Why would I put what other people think above parenting my children the way they need to be parented?

And then there is the battle of the mind.

This battle is the worst kind because it's the one the enemy gladly and ferociously attacks.

The sound of this battle is something like...

Why did I do this? I'm not cut out for this. I don't love my children. Why don't I love my children? Will I ever learn to even like them? Was this a mistake? Why did we do this?

And those words are daggers to the heart and can eat me up if I let them, because they are the devil's way of creeping into my soul and feeding me lies. They can consume me if I let them.

The truth is, I didn't sign up for the perfect life I wanted.

I thought I did when I went off to college, got married, 

and had my little goal sheet I checked off each year.

But really I signed up for following Christ - to the ends of the earth.

It's painful, dirty, messy, ugly, full of heartache, tough, 

excruciating, defeating, utterly exhausting,

and leaves me feeling raw.

But it is only in the raw

that Christ can do what He wants with my life,

if I let Him.

"Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness."

-Lamentations 3:22-23

Five years from now, I'm sure I'll still be learning, calling friends for advice, and on my knees in prayer, desperate for my Savior. But what I have learned is that in this raw state, God does vast amounts of work on my heart and soul. And through great pain and refinement, I come out of the fire closer to Him.

My life is not about me.

It's about the process.

And although the night might be long and full of many tears,

praise and joy comes in the morning.

I'm starting to see the light of the morning, little by little.

Tomorrow is a new day,

full of new beginnings, blessings, and a fresh start.

And for that I am grateful.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

-2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

Introductions

Today was a new beginning.

Something we have longed for, prayed for, and waited for.

Today we got to meet our sons.

They are precious, amazing, kind, funny, smart and loving.

They already fit into our family in so many ways.

And they are ours.

I will never forget today.

And praise God for the days to come,

full of laughter, joy, happiness, and craziness.

Carson - Party of SIX!

We've been itching at the gun to share this with you since we found out. Keeping secrets is hard! Seriously, I'm horrible at it when it comes to something personal that I'm thrilled about. I wanted to tell all of our families and friends. But, it's just not the same as when someone gets pregnant and can excitedly share with the world the day they found out. 

A matched adoption through foster care can be a beating. And everything can unravel at the last possible second. But speaking from experience, it is all worth it. The paperwork, the waiting, the getting irritated at the waiting, practicing patience, feeling nervous and excited, reading thousands of documents, and preparing for the unknown. 

Matched adoption with kids in foster care goes a little something like this:

July/Aug 2014: 

Go to classes (30+ hours and a binder full of paperwork)

Oct 2014: 

Home Study Interview

Dec 2014: 

Home Study finally approved

Jan 2015: 

Let our agency start searching for our future kids!

Jan-May 2015: 

NO news

June 2015: 

Would you be interested in this sibling group? 

Yes! Submit our home study!

July 2015: 

Staffing (CPS meeting to pick the family)

WE ARE SELECTED!

Read through the thousands of pages of PDFs from the past two years of their lives. 

Make a decision to move forward.

Aug 2015:

Yesterday: Hold final meeting with all parties (minus the kids) so they can ask us questions and we can ask them questions. 

TODAY: 

Formally say YES - and officially become "Matched"

*For those wondering, yes, you accept the role of being their parent before meeting the child(ren). As crazy as it sounds, there is such beauty in this! Just like how God chooses to accept us as His children, no matter what our past is or what baggage we bring. He embraces us for who we are and loves us unconditionally. There is no return policy, we are forever in His family.

Next Week: Meet our future sons!

So will you join us in praying that everything goes as smoothly as possible during this transition. We are all very excited, nervous, and so ready to meet them. We've longed for this moment for a very long time. And although everyone is very excited, we know that our family is only growing larger because of great loss. Help us press into Him who is able to guide our footsteps, actions, mouths, and hearts as we grow our family. Lastly, pray for our sanity. Mine in particular. I mean 5 boys and leaving me as the only girl? What am I thinking?!?! 

Of course the Lord gently reminded me that on my first date with Kelly, I told him I wanted 5 kids and for at least some of them to be adopted. Be careful what you pray for. The Lord loves to show how well He listens and bless you beyond understanding. He's kind of awesome that way!

And so the waiting begins...AGAIN!

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; 
Your love, O Lord endures forever."

Psalm 138:8

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, 
and in His word I put my hope. 
My soul waits for the Lord."
Psalm 130:5

Our family is definitely more than blood.
Our family is made possible through death and resurrection.
He gives us life so that we may give others life.

Today, this morning in fact, we will have our home study.

This is our third home study to be exact.

The third time someone has come into our home to interview us, create a binder wide biography that says everything case workers would need to know about us and our extended family, in order to find children for us. The third time we have had to pay $40 each to get fingerprinted by the FBI to make sure we didn't become criminals last year or anything. But don't worry, they don't require you to pee in a cup for other tests. I mean, that would be intrusive! Ha!

This is our life.

The majority of the population have kids without a third party (or fourth, fifth, even sometimes a tenth party) involved. You know, they pee on a stick, wait 9 months, and BAM, kid arrives. The nurses hand the kid to the parents and they leave the hospital to go home. Nobody checks in on them and their home prior to the baby nor after the baby.

No questions are asked of the parents such as.... 

Where will the child sleep? 

How have you child proofed the home?

How do you feel your parent's parenting style has influenced yours?

How do you plan on handling (enter example here) situation?

Have you locked up nerf guns separate from locking up the nerf bullets?

How do you plan on having the bio family involved in their life?

What is your support system like and do you have FBI background check approved babysitters ready?

Have you installed the 5lb (which is really 8lbs) fire extinguisher on your kitchen wall (for all of heaven and earth to see the ugly thing) and had it inspected by the fire marshal to make sure it is up to code?
Can I see your "survival kit" enough to feed, water, and clothe your entire family for three days? (Because of course, we would obviously stay in our house w/out power and water instead of driving to a hotel or family member's house???)

Did you lock up the vitamins separate from locking up the baby rash cream?
And are all cleaning supplies locked away as well?

Do you have a locked bag in your fridge on the off chance the kids come with refrigerated meds?

Where is the binder to log all of the medicine the child takes?

Do you feel capable to handle and meet the needs of your children?

This is about to be our life, yet again.

All in the name of parenting more children.

This morning I reflected over Psalm 113. These verses have meant many things to me at different times in my life. Right now, they are a reminder that my children whom I have not yet met have a story that has not come to fruition. But one day, very soon....

"He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; He seats them with princes, with the princes of their people."

They will be our princes.

They will be our people.

They will be ours.

And as it continues to say in the next verse...

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord. Hallelujah!"

His promises are always true.

Even if they don't look the same for all people.

God knows our steps before we even take them. Everything put before us in life is meant to draw us closer to Him. So while we don't have a family that looks like the majority of the world, we do have a family that allows us to share the story of Christ anytime someone asks a curious question about how we don't look alike. We get to show His love for us with people in the grocery store, in our neighborhood, on mission trips around the world, to our family, and even to others at church.

Far greater are His plans for my life than mine!

That has become very evident to me with each passing year.

So as we proceed through this interrogation in a little while (just kidding.....maybe not kidding) so that we can grow our family by more children, I am reminded that this is just another step down the path He has already walked before me. I am just instructed to follow.

And so the waiting begins!

Home Study today.

Paperwork processing for a few weeks.

And then the search begins to find a sibling group in foster care for us to adopt!

Ummm, yes...I said sibling group.

That means more than one.

We could go from a family of four to a family of SIX

(or heaven help us SEVEN)
OVERNIGHT!

Our family is about to grow in size, adventure, dynamics, and more!

It sure is one crazy, wild life we are walking down.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. :)


P.S.
For those I might have just scared or if you are questioning walking down this path let me tell you that it is not too bad. I promise it won't kill you. We survived enough to try it again, and now yet again for a third time. When that child says (or screams from the other room) "mama!!!!!" - it makes it all worth it.

Because family is more than paperwork, interrogations, waiting, all of the struggles (before, during and after), and family is definitely more than blood.

Family is a choice.
A choice to love.

Pieces of my Heart

Have you ever visited somewhere and when you come back you can't stop thinking about it? And I don't mean when you take a vacation with your spouse to a quiet beach and long to be back there after returning to the chaos of everyday life. 

I'm talking about a longing to visit a place that touched your heart so much you want to go back. To see the people you met again. To see God's creation. To be away from all of the chaos a first world life holds so you can soak in God's presence. To hold hands and live life with people that do not know about the saving power grace holds.

That kind of love sticks with me as I left pieces of my heart back in Asia.

We knew God was calling us to go on this trip as a family. To bring both of our boys along side us. To share our family with them.

What we didn't know what the impact it would make.

We were told by others that on previous trips, they were greeted with scowls. With hard hearts. With disgust.

They hated us. And there are some reasons they rightfully can. And others that aren't built on truth. But regardless, we are the enemy. Isn't that always what Satan does? He builds walls through hate, anger, distrust, lies, and more lies.

But what he does not have power over is love.

Christ died as the ultimate love sacrifice.

We show our love for God by our love for others.

And there is no greater love than that of a child!

Look at these pictures.

These are the pictures of love.

What children can do through a smile is knock down walls in an instant that have been built up by the deceiver for years.

 

 

When we arrived, a dear friend of ours told me that people would physically take our youngest son out of my arms, but they wouldn't steal him. (How comforting!) They would just be drawn to him and desire to hold him.

And boy was he right.

Young and old alike wanted to hold him.

They wanted to make him smile, laugh, and giggle.

And because of the extrovert that he is, he gladly went.

Without hesitation he hugged them.

Kissed their cheek.

Loved on them.

And in turn, we had the privilege of witnessing the beauty of raw humanity through love.

They hugged him back.

They kissed him.

They loved on him.

We were no longer separated as them and us,

we were one in love.

When we visited a local village to see a historical fisherman's house, we passed by a neighborhood. As we walked by, people gathered just to watch us. I was able to take a quick photo. I love how they were peaking over the fence and I wished so much that we could go join them. That the walls were not separating us any longer. 

Maybe one day...

One of our guides especially fell in love with him.

She doted on him and would mimic his phrases, especially "mama! mama! mama!" And he loved on her as well. He even taught her how to do the "secret" handshake his big brother does with him. I love the last picture of them in the middle of that, giving each other a fist pump.

My favorite moment, however, was walking through the open market.

Pictures are not allowed here so I can only give my description to you.

There are rows and rows of merchants selling anything and everything. Our family of four was close together towards the end of our time walking through it. We had been inside the building and just walked outside to head back to the front. All of a sudden, one of the college students with us told me to stop and look up.

The rows were at least 8 deep and as long as you could see wide. A crowd had started to gather. Mouths were gaping wide at us and smiles were emerging. They all started waving and smiling. 

Lex waved back and with that action laughter and glee erupted.

That day changed me.

In an instant I saw the power of a child's smile.

I wished we could shake hands, and love on each and every one of them.

I wish I could speak with them and learn more about them.

But we had to keep moving.

That day, part of my heart stayed behind in that market.

And hopefully one day I will visit again.

Of course, who couldn't resist getting a hello from this cutie?

I am so glad we took our boys with us.

Was it hard?

Ummmmm, YES

for oh so many reasons!

But it was worth every penny raised, tears shed, restlessness, fear, uncomfortableness, and more because had we not taken them, we would never had experienced what God did that week.

And that made it worth all of it!

On a side note - 

Lex learned how to say hello in Korean when they were saying hello to him. As soon as we stepped in the market, he said hello back to a merchant. As she shrilled with glee, she handed him a piece of candy. Then 3 more did the same. He started saying hello to everyone we stepped in front of and all of them gave him something! It was like we were trick or treating in the market. I couldn't stop laughing! We had a bag full of treats by the time we left and he had learned that saying this word would get him stuff. They eat a lot of tomatoes for dessert so he had a few of them in the bag. Unfortunately, he HATES tomatoes. So when he would take a bite of one (before I could get it in the bag so we could wash it) he would spit it back out. Luckily they didn't take offense and just laughed about it.

And in case you were wondering, here is a picture of our team while we were there. Isn't the background majestic? It is definitely one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited in my lifetime.

I'll save my next post to focus on how they reacted to Kiir.

It is definitely its own post in the making!

To be continued in the very near future...

Beautiful Day for a Trip Around the Globe

Isn't it beautiful?

God's creation always is.

In just a few days we will step foot on this soil.

We will get to see this beauty first hand.

We will get to meet the people that live here...

The people that God created.

And we will get to love them.

Please pray for us.

Pray for our team members by name:

Anthony B

Arianne

Cameron

Estefane

Maison

Taylor

Anthony I

Zachary

Johnny

Kelly

Shellie

Kiir

Lex

Pray for...

Safety

Peace

Team Unity

Opportunities

That we would be an encouragement

And for us to knock down walls the enemy has built up

Pray for the couples going that their marriage would honor God.

Pray for Kelly and I as we parent our children in front of them under a microscope.

Pray for our family left behind that they would feel peace while we are away.

Pray against any harm that is intended for us, such as nightmares or travel glitches.

Pray that we would show grace - in every single situation.

Pray that we would rest in Him and trust Him for ALL things.

Pray that they would notice a difference in how we live and how we love.

Pray that the Spirit would work through us and we would be willing to let Him move!

Please pray Ephesians 4:1-6 over us...

"Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

and Isaiah 43:1-5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

and Psalm 4:6

"Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord."

We love you.

See you in 10 days...

21 and 21

For this entire month, I have had a 21 year old and a 21 month old.

I joked about it all month, but then it hit me...

This is fun and all, but I hope I don't have a 21 year old and 21 month old at the same time again! If that happened, we would have another teenager and a newborn baby at the same time. And y'all, that's not for the faint of heart! 

Babies go to bed early.

Teenagers stay up late.

Babies wake up in the middle of the night.

And the sun rises way too early!

But seriously, I wouldn't change a thing about any of it!

Having a 21 year old means you get to joke around and they actually get your humor (most of the time). They roll their eyes when you try and act cool or be funny. They try eating most things because it's adventurous. They can dress themselves! They still depend on you for things (because you make more money than they do) and so you get a great excuse to hang out with them - BUT they don't need you every single second of every single day.

Having a 21 month old means I hear "mama - holds yous" while getting hit on the legs or my pants pulled down because attention is needed ASAP all of the time. A 21 month old will try a lot of food I put in front of him, but spits a lot out as well. (We're working on this). But they also want your attention and demand you give it to them because you are their world! They want to do everything with you by their side because they love you so stinking much! Hugs, snuggles, kisses, reading, more snuggles, singing, playing and more. It's a fun age of soaking up everything and repeating everything they hear. They are sponges, adventure seekers, and little mini-me's.

But both of these put under 1 roof and it makes for an interesting life. 

When I was 21, my goal was to be married for a few years and have 3 kids by 32 and be in the process of adopting another couple.

Funny thing is, no matter how off track my life is from "my" plan, God's actually given me quite a bit from what I asked to begin with! And in all honesty, we could have 4 kids in the very near future (or heaven help us - 5!!!)

I promise I'm not crazy.

Promise.

Well, at least I don't think I've gone crazy yet.

We'll see what the next few months holds for me.

So I'm savoring being the mom of a 21 year old and a 21 month old.

Because it's what GOD planned for my life.

And it's just a little great.

He gave me the story of salvation wrapped up in my life story.

I was broken, needed a Savior, and He stepped in and radically changed my heart.

You see, I get to explain this story all of the time to perfectly good strangers.

When I take my older son out to eat and the waitress brings him the check because they think we're on a date. Yes, this has happened more times then I'd like to count. But then I get to graciously take the bill and explain that he's my son. (I tend to give a moment of hang time just to see their reaction - hope that's not too mean!) And then I have the opportunity to explain that we adopted this amazing man when he was a teenager because God told us to. And we are eternally blessed by him becoming a Carson!

Sometimes they walk off, a little stunned, and sometimes they ask questions. Other times I get a "you're crazy" look. It's okay, I understand.

I really love when we're all four together and they can't figure out who is who in the family. Just cracks me up watching people analyze us.

And now we're about to take our crazy looking family across the world to get stared at more and questioned more. 

It's why we're going. 

It's what we're counting on! 

They will be so bewildered by us they will ask our story.

And then we get to share!

Because of God's grace we get to share!

So please pray for opportunities.

Pray for patience as a parent.

Pray for protection over my family.

Pray that we will listen to the Holy Spirit guiding us when to talk and when to be silent.

And pray that we will knock down doors through the story God has given us for the gospel to be spread!